Office - Related

MEMORANDUM TO ALL EMPLOYEES :

SICK DAYS:
We will no longer accept a doctor
statement as proof of sickness. If you
are able to go to the doctor, you are
able to come to work.

SURGERY:
Operations are now banned. As long as
you are an employee here, you need all
your organs. You should not consider
removing anything. We hired you intact.
To have something removed constitutes a
breach of employment.

PERSONAL DAYS:
Each employee will receive 104 personal
days a year. They are called Saturday
and Sunday.

VACATION DAYS:
All employees will take their vacation
at the same time every year. The
vacation days are as follows: Jan. 1,
July 4 & Dec. 25

BEREAVEMENT LEAVE:
This is no excuse for missing work.
There is nothing you can do for dead
friends, relatives or coworkers. Every
effort should be made to have
non-employees attend to the
arrangements. In rare cases where
employee involvement is necessary, the
funeral should be scheduled in the late
afternoon. We will be glad to allow you
to work through your lunch hour and
subsequently leave one hour early,
provided your share of the work is done
enough.

OUT FROM YOUR OWN DEATH:
This will be accepted as an excuse.
However, we require at least two weeks
notice, as it is your duty to train your
own replacement.

RESTROOM USE:
Entirely too much time is being spent in
the restroom. In the future, we will
follow the practice of going in
alphabetical order. For instance, all
employees whose names begin with 'A'
will go from 8:00 to 8:20, employees
whose names begin with 'B' will go from
8:20 to 8:40 and so on. If you're unable
to go at your allotted time, it will be
necessary to wait until the next day
when your turn comes again. In extreme
emergencies employees may swap their
time with a coworker. Both employees'
supervisors in writing must approve this
exchange. In addition, there is now a
strict 3-minute time limit in the
stalls. At the end of three minutes, an
alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll
will retract, and the stall door will open.

LUNCH BREAK:
Skinny people get an hour for lunch as
they need to eat more so that they can
look healthy, normal size people get 30
minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal
to maintain the average figure. Fat
people get 5 minutes for lunch because
that's all the time needed to drink a
Slim Fast and take a diet pill. Sondra
gets none.

DRESS CODE:
It is advised that you come to work
dressed according to your salary, if we
see you wearing $350 Prada sneakers and
carrying a $600 Gucci bag we assume you
are doing well financially and therefore
you do not need a raise.

Thank you for your loyalty to our
company. We are here to provide a
positive employment experience.
Therefore, all questions comments,
concerns, complaints, frustrations,
irritations, aggravations, insinuations,
allegations, accusations,
contemplations, consternations or input
should be directed elsewhere. Have a
nice week.

-- MANAGEMENT